Chrissy vs. Spider

So I'm home alone, baking a pumpkin pie from scratch (like REALLY scratch, we're talking actual pumpkin), and as I close the oven and head to couch to do some knitting, I spot a giant brown blob scurrying across the couch. Ok, a 1-cm spider qualifies as giant in my book. As if it sees or hears me stifle a scream it halts, poised on top of my Mac power cord. I strategize quickly before the spider escapes or attacks me, I grab a hanger first but rethink that decision. I roll up a nearby magazine and gently pull the cord away from the spider (I don't want the cord to get spider guts on it) and take a good swat. The spider doesn't even flinch. I swat again, harder and when I lift the magazine, the spider is GONE! Nowhere to be found! Somehow, I simultaneously look at the magazine in my hand and throw it across the room. I quickly inspect every inch of my person, but still no spider. I'm now flinching at every spot on the wall or floor. Not cool. Why does this stuff happen to me? But the question I really should be asking is how is that a biology teacher is such a baby around bugs. Anyways, I get the vacuum and go to town, but just as I lean in really close to the scene of the crime, the power in the whole house goes. Now I'm standing in complete darkness, sure that the spider is on my face. But since running screaming from the house is out of the question, I find a flashlight and the fuse box and get the lights back on. As I put the vacuum away, I contemplate how long I can go without sitting on the couch, tricky. But then, as I bend down to pick up my knitting I see the carcass on the ground under the table. I blow to see if it moves, and it DOES, so I grab enough tissues to put about 1 inch of it between me and the crunch that's about to happen. Does anyone not shiver at the crunching exoskeleton of a squished bug? Success, finally. Mr. 8-legs is now on his way down the Rumoi sewer system, soon to swim into the Japan Sea, maybe to be eaten by a fish I'll buy at the market next week. Ew, but at least I win. Yes, I just wrote a looooong story about squishing a bug. Pathetic? Maybe.